Summer’s right around the corner and you know what that means, right?

Going out with friends and seeing all of your favorite people who have been hibernating for the past 4 months. And what better way to do it than to go for dinner.

However, since life is a competition, there are a few things you need to know to have a winning appearance that will make you the envy of all your friends.

 

1. Don’t Be on Time

Being on time is completely overrated. Why should you respect other people’s time by showing up when you said you would?

Want to take a nap 30 minutes before you have to leave? Go for it.

Want to take a bath instead of a 10-minute shower? Treat. Yo. Self!

Want to watch one more episode of Euphoria even though your dinner plans are about an hour away? Do you, boo-boo!

Better for you to be late and people waiting on you than you showing up to an empty place and being alone for three minutes before the next person shows up. Your friends like to pretend to be annoyed that you were late, but, deep down, they’re really happy you made it.

2. Make sure that all your conversation is inane small talk

Now, what you need to do is talk about how great the weather is like everyone at the table was born yesterday and has never experienced soft sunlight and a nice breeze.

Once the weather’s covered, talk about how long it took you to get to the restaurant and how you couldn’t find parking and how far you had to park.

Then spend some time talking about how much you love the restaurant – the décor, the staff, the cute little drinking glasses they have, every surface-level thing you can think of. Then talk about how hungry you are, but have no idea what you want to eat because everything looks so good and then ask everyone what they’re having, like you won’t find out in about 20 minutes, and make sure to provide recommendations.

Keep going on that track and you’ll be good.

 

3. Spend most of the night on your phone 

As you know, if something isn’t on social media, then it didn’t happen. So whip out that phone and start taking pics of everything. Interrupt people having actual conversations for them to pose for a candid pic. 

When your food arrives, ignore how hungry you are and spend 5 minutes taking pictures of your meal. Shit, for bonus points, stop people before they take a bite and take pictures of their meal. Post all of them in a row like you’re about to eat all of it. Once all of that is taken care of and your food is cold, then eat. Take two bites and take the rest to go.

 

4. Come back from a trip or plan to go on a trip

Traveling makes you seem worldly and cultivated, so talk about where you been, what you’ve seen and really educate people on what you’ve seen. They really need to know all about your tan and day drinking at the all-inclusive resort in Punta Cana because it’s revolutionary.

If you haven’t been anywhere, talk about where you plan or wish to go. Oh and if you and another person at the table have been to the same place, just ask each other if you’ve seen the same shit just so you can both prove that you’ve both been there. 

For. The. Win.

 

5. Compare notes about your life 

Life is not worth living unless you’re doing the same thing as your peers or you’re doing slightly better than they are so you can fake some humility as you brag a little about your achievements.

So if you bought a house, a car, got recently engaged, got pregnant or any other big event in your life, hold on to that shit until there’s a break in the conversation and then drop that shit on the table like a fucking boulder.

 

6. Adopt a new, shitty lifestyle/diet/religion and try to convert everyone 

Since misery loves company, why not talk about the latest fad you’ve adopted in your life. Whether it’s a diet, a lifestyle (working out), a religion or anything that requires some sort of consistency and discipline, talk about it like you get paid to bring in new recruits. Hook a few people on your cuckoo train and boom! Next thing you know, you’ve made plans you do not intend to keep with all interested parties.

 

 

And that’s it! Do all that, and no one will be more interesting than you at dinner.

 

DISCLAIMER:

Everything written in this post was pure satire. Don’t do any of these things on purpose unless you want to come off looking like a huge douchebag/douchebaguette.